Here I am, this is me
The absence of ease can be a great motivator. I spent most of my life ping-ponging between avoiding deep-rooted discomfort, or racing toward happy-happy-joy-joy. I didn’t realize there was a third option; slowing down, feeling it ALL, and listening to the wisdom anxiety has to offer. Surrendering opened the path for true self-acceptance, a life-long, multi-faceted practice. It gives me the deepest joy to usher others toward their worthiness. Guiding recently single women to step in to their wholeness is my sacred work and offering.
It’s not what you look at that matters It’s what you see
I believe life is always happening for us, not to us. Our experiences are perfectly orchestrated for our soul’s evolution. My heartbreaks and dark nights were the exact opportunities I needed to gain empowerment and self-compassion. Transitioning from a victim of life’s circumstances, to realizing that I alone was responsible for my wellbeing was the most radical shift of my life.
I was a sensitive, creative, ‘too expressive’ kid. With a finely-tuned radar for other people’s energy and a poster child for “how to become co-dependent”. Mistrust in myself permeated any sense of clarity as I’d intuitively pick up on people’s feelings which weren’t verbally expressed. “You’re imagining things” “It’s all in your head” “You’re too sensitive/imaginative/emotional”. Perceiving others and attuning to their needs while ignoring my own became second nature. Eventually the cost of this self-abandonment and complete lack of boundaries would catch up to me. In the mean time, I crafted a charming people-pleasing persona that could fit in to any crowd/dinner party/music gig. I looked the part, I often heard how thoughtful, funny or helpful I was, but I had no sense of autonomy. In fact, autonomy scared the hell out of me. Any sniff of safety either came from others, or being alone - I had no clarity that the deep connection and belonging I yearned for was always within the root of my heart.
What’s in the way ~ is the way
Disconnection from my truth shadowed me through my teens, 20’s and 30’s. In a nearly constant state of low-grade anxiety, I bought more clothes to soothe myself, drank too much wine and watched myself from the outside. But in the most silent of moments, a vulnerability so intense would surface and with it, a painful need to belong.
Maybe a different environment, friend group, or partner would allow me to feel seen and known? Maybe ‘the one’ was still waiting for me? I blamed my husband at the time for not knowing me or trying hard enough, but in the end we were merely by-products of our own fears and unhealthy dynamics, not bad people.
My life was a web of overwhelm (running, shut down) and fantasizing (seeking and inflation). I lived in two worlds; one sought validation, the other, worked to maintain an acceptable image others expected of me. I felt I could be alone and safe but lonely, or with others but self-critical and anxious.
The internal yearning for authenticity grew until eventually my reality had no choice but to shatter. With my marriage in disrepair, a life of uncertainty laying before me, and my beautiful daughters watching my every move, I hit a place in my soul I had been avoiding all my life. Gathering myself in the rubble and integrating the many parts of myself that deserved reverence finally began the connection I’d always longed for. This road of self-acceptance would become my life’s purpose.
The butterfly effect
Transformation allowed me to feel spiritual, physically and mental ease for the first time. I learned to enjoy my company, not just choosing to be alone as a way to avoid uncomfortable situations. I listened deeply to the wisdom of my body, and showed her the respect I’d long abandoned. I cried as my body gave me answers to blocks and fears and released the decades of stored trauma. I gently held the vulnerable fragments of myself and gave them a seat at the table in the thrown of my heart. I became my best friend, the one I will forever travel through life with, and ‘the one’ I’d been waiting for. When my internal world started to grow from the building blocks of love and acceptance, my external world began to reflect it. I attracted my energetic match and beautiful new husband, a man who truly loves me for who I am.
If you are on a similar path, I can walk with you and hold a light to help you see. I know the courage this road takes.
Radical self-acceptance is my offering to you - to remember that you are enough, to find the love you deserve and to know you already home.
